Of Ironies, Cooking Alone and Christmas

There is a scene in Last Samurai where Tom Cruise says - "I am beset by the ironies of my life"
Today I remembered that and smiled. For the first time in 28 years (almost 29), I have my own room, my own cupboard, my own desk, my own drawer, my own bed and yet the privacy that I always wanted when I didn't have a room of my own is what I am hating today. Perhaps solitude isn't always welcome. Perhaps you don't want to marry melancholy. Today I crave that intrusion. Today I crave the sharing of beds. Today I crave always having to walk into another room everyday to take clothes because my cupboards were also shared. It's funny isn't it? No wonder people say - sometimes you might not like what you have been wanting all along.

I cooked today because it suddenly felt overwhelmingly quiet and empty. I wanted to keep myself engaged. I am standing with my dinner plate staring outside my tiny window. There is nothing to stare at. It overlooks the fire-escape of another house a few meters away from my window. I see Christmas lights. No one's home. Even my building is virtually empty. Except the security person who smiles tirelessly every time I walk in and out of the building.

But wait - why am I inside my room on Christmas eve? I don't really know. Merry Christmas New York. It's raining outside. But all of you are still beautiful. So is the city. So shall be tomorrow. Good night! 

Have you slept with anyone?

Someone casually asked me this question once. I replied, "No, I haven't".
"So does that mean you have never had sex?" he asked, slightly perturbed, in fact quite astonished to be honest. I smiled back and told him, "Sleeping with someone is different from having sex with them. I don't know when and how, but at some point in time, 'sleeping with someone' became a casual indifferent phrase. It was trivialized. For me, sleeping with someone means letting them sleep on your arm while it goes numb and watching them sleep in peace. Watch their body fall and rise in rhythmic, almost poetic form as they breathe. Smiling all by yourself even when they are asleep and just observing them. Sleeping with someone is finding beauty in the nothingness of silent whispers or just that invisible chord that connects you to the person you are holding and lying down. For some it's sacred.. even profound.. Sleeping is more intimate than people make it out to be. So yes, I am yet to sleep with someone"

"The city that never sleeps: The diary of a hopeless romantic, Entry 43"

The Heartbreak Quote

Sometimes I think I have felt everything I'm ever gonna feel. And from here on out, I'm not gonna feel anything new. Just lesser versions of what I've already felt. - (Her, 2013)

Well to be honest, considering how inexperienced I am, I should be the last person quoting this. But it did catch my attention when I was watching the movie. Heartbreaks do terrible things to us. However, what I feel is, what we generally perceive as a full-stop during the lowest point in our life might just be a parenthesis. There are many more sentences remaining in unfinished stories.