V for Virginity

                                (Visual Courtesy Pallavi Pathak)


“It just never happened"- The 40 year old Virgin (2005)

DISCLAIMER: The following piece is inspired from true and real life experiences and any resemblance to people living or dead (did someone die a virgin? tou·ché!!) is not a mere coincidence but purely, sincerely and wholesomely intentional. Having said that, this piece of writing might be a little too crass for your class (depending on your hypocritical levels of conservatism and prudishness) . In spite of its indirect, oblique and subtle references, the message its trying to get across is straightforward to the point that it might be crude to you. So read at your own sweet peril.

XXX: Who are you?

V: Voilà! In view, a humble, vulnerable VIRGIN, cast vicariously as a victim by the vicissitudes of lust and desire;  a vapidly vegetating  valedictorian of virtuosity in this vicious wicked world.  However, this valorous virgin stands vivified and has vowed to vanquish these venal, philandering and virulent vermin van-guarding vice, lust and fornication. Verily, this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose, so let me simply add that it's my very good honor to meet you and you may call me V. 

XXX: English please!

V: Fair enough….

Virginity in the Indian context has several dimensions. Since a lot of us (by choice or chance) are still propagating the Medieval and Ancient Notions of No Sex Before Marriage, there are many other things apart from physical intimacy which come under the purview of virginity in India. Here, in the land of kamasutra (quite ironically) it implies a clean slate i.e. never having been in a relationship of any form.

XXX: So you have never touched a girl

V: No

XXX: Ok you must have flirted with atleast one girl. A fling of sorts perhaps?

V: No

XXX: Sexting?

V: No

XXX: Texting?

V:No

XXX: HAVE YOU EVEN GONE OUT FOR A CUP OF COFFEE WITH A GIRL. ATLEAST ONE GIRL GODAMNIT !!!!!!!!!!!!!

V: No

XXX: Bas kar pagle… rulaayega kya! *sniffs and wipes tears*

XXX: That’s f*****g impossible!!

V:  Indeed, that does follow logically.  For someone who has not touched a woman, f****g is not a possibility. We virgins are planning to launch a movie series called F****g, Impossible soon. Please notice the punctuation.

XXX: Have you been living in a nut-shell? We are living in times of hyper-sexuality. A time where people have sex as many times a day and change partners as many times as they change clothes . Sex is no longer an activity for pro-creation, its about recreation. Its no longer placed on a very high pedestal and its not even something mystical and beyond reach. Its so damn casual and still you managed to abstain?

V: The inherent problem in India is that sex is over-rated while virginity is under-rated. People just fail to realize how preposterously difficult it is to hold onto our guns.  As you rightly said, we are living in times where commercials make mango drinks look like aphrodisiacs, where having sex is as casual as having a bottle of beer and titillation is the word of the day (everyday) and still there is little or no appreciation for abstinence. Guys get their guns at 12-13 (naturally) but the licensing (read marriage) like so many other things in India comes in pretty late; sometimes as late as 29-30. The result- guys keep shooting dummies in virtual arenas. Even ladies keep their heaven's doors locked for many years.  Since we are nice people, we have not let the moral debauchery around us affect us.

XXX: haaaa haaaa..! Nice is different from a prude and a douche you dodo! You have made it abundantly clear that you belong to the latter category. Don't try and project yourself as a saint when you are a loser!
Admit it.... Your being single and a virgin is not a mere choice or some 'grand act of abstinence'. Its because you are a L O S E R! You didn't get ***** because you have been a ***** all your life.
Tell me something... We all have basic needs. How did you meet them?

V: I gained the blessings of desi babas and was vividly exposed to the naughtiness of America. The Digital playground helped me explore new sensations and hustle around. However, off-late I have become indifferent towards all these mediums. I have come to the realization that we need to look beyond the pettiness of carnal desires and work towards wholesome all-round development of our self. *breathes deep*

XXX: *Yawn* I became indifferent towards them when I turned 16 or 17. That’s when the powerfully gripping reality of sex hit me and I decided to make myself go through the rite of passage.  Have you not heard of it? Why don't you just get done with it already. Oh wait. Are you like one of those  guys who is waiting for the right girl to come along or are you even worse.... A dork who does not have a life and who does not meet girls! Let me guess..... for you parties usually involve 4 or 5 drunk guys sitting and talking gibberish in a sad apartment.. No girls, no fun!! Jesus… poor you!!  What do you plan to do with your useless Virginity? *smirks*

V: You and your copulative tendencies! Why have you been focusing only on the sex part of it alone? How about a relationship. How about true love? How about romance? Our virginity is not useless. We could make some major contributions to the society by Auctioning our virginity. The proceeds will head to any noble foundation propagating virtuosity and teaching people the art of sublimating their sexual energy.

XXX: Blah blah blah.. Stop yapping away! and you sound gay (all the romantic shit)..And copulation.... haaa haaa.. are you from the 14th Century or something? Who even uses that word now...Your present state is as pathetic as your sense of humor. That auction thing was a bad one.  Next you would suggest com-modifying virginity and putting it on the stock market?? Loser!! 

Here's the deal bro... Being sexless is like a void which can be filled by sex alone.  Sublimation of sexual energy is a myth. There is no sublimation, only satiation. Sex and love are separate. You need to learn to compartmentalize and keep the two separately.. . Find a fu** buddy, get into a no strings attached relationship. Don't put Vatsyayana's soul to shame. Make Khajuraho proud.. Just do it!

V:  Are you trying to corrupt me?

XXX: I am just trying to enlighten you :) ok, fine.. If you are so hell-bent on finding the right girl or being in a relationship and avoiding casual sex, why don't you go out and meet new girls. Join a dance club, join a photography club, join a gym, go clubbing.. Hit on girls…

V: I will learn dancing if I WANT TO DANCE not because I want girls. Same for photography and everything else you suggested.

 XXX: You make me feel like puking. There is no point talking to you. Before I leave you, have to say--- Its you who is the conservative prude here. So aren't you worried that post this crappy piece of writing, your relatives and family would be worried, your friends would mock you and the world would judge you and label you as desperate and frustrated. Some of them might even pity you though and quite a few would suggest you get married.

V: Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn ;)